faith and humor

there are times in my life, when i get tired of being complacent, when i become bored, and i feel like, though i'm not doing anything in the wrong, that i'm falling off the right path, and i'm not sure how to get back on. or, that i'm not quite getting through or past a particular hurdle enough to progress to the next spot (imagine a board game, like Candyland, where all you're getting are the "you did _____, move back ___ spaces"). and then something happens, a trial, for example, and it really tests my faith, but as much as it tries to shake me, and remove me from my foundation, i can't be moved, because i've placed myself in the hands of the Lord, because i've built myself upon the rock. but i still can't figure out why i needed to go through a particular trial, or why i'm struggling so bad. until i look back on that situation (whether it's because i'm repeating history, and going through a similar situation again, or i'm just reminiscing) and i realize what it meant to my growth, and why i needed that particular struggle.
there are other times that i hit a rut in the road. i'm not going back, and i'm not moving forward. so instead, i make a decision, to try a different direction in order to see if that makes a difference. sometimes it doesn't. sometimes it does. sometimes, i get a clearer mind, a fresher mind. sometimes, it hits me like a ton of bricks....BAM. a change in the scenery. some sort of enlightenment. a conversation, a new idea, a phone call, a new offer, or a new opportunity. and it hits me so suddenly, i don't even expect it. it takes me by surprise. so much so that i just sit there and laugh thinking, 'this is it? this is what i was waiting for?'
and then i realize, God sure does have a sense of humor. i picture Him sitting up there, watching my life, past, present, future, seeing me struggle, seeing me exhaust all of my resources in order to figure out MY timeline, instead of HIS, and he laughs to Himself, thinking "oh my child, if only you knew what I had in store for you. I know what you need, when you need it. you are never alone."

{via}

He sees my life in a way that I cannot and will not. He knows what I need to experience in order to build me up. and though it's taken me 24 years, i think i'm finally starting to understand that. as much as i want certain things, and think i need certain things, He always knows better.

And though I've never really known how a relationship between a father and daughter should be, I can imagine that the relationship between my Lord and I would be similar to the picture above, because I can feel Him when I need Him most, and I know in those moments that He is there for me, always, guiding me, advising me, allowing me to make mistakes, but picking me back up when I fall, and never ever showing disappointment in me, but always being proud of the progression I've made, and continue to make. I sure can't wait to sit at His feet, and listen to His comforting words, and have His arms wrapped around me, hearing that I have done a good job.

i've discovered the problem

or, at least, another part of the problem.

the first part (which is all on me) was already discussed

(and later re-analyzed, per usual, and it has been discovered that i am more at fault than i originally led myself to believe. typical.)

on my commute home from salt lake today (2 more days left!)

i was analyzing my one real relationship i had been in and how i/we had gotten there.

1. we were young (freshies at the Y)

2. we hung out with the same group of people

3. he wasn't in my ward

4. his guy friends and my girl friends all knew about our infatuation with the other

5. they {key words here} encouraged us

6. they teased me (i'm not sure how it was on his end) relentlessly about liking him (but all in good fun, it wasn't malicious)

then i thought about recent times, and the reasons behind why i'm less inclined to talk about the guys i'm interested in now.

sure, if i see an attractive guy from afar off, i'll mention it to whomever i'm with at the moment.

but that does not in the slightest mean that i LIKE HIM. i don't even know this guy, right? and, looks can be deceiving.

if i know a guy and i've decided i like him (to the point that i would want to kiss him)

{an aside: i haven't kissed many boys in my life. most of them i kissed because i was genuinely interested in them and had reason to believe that they were genuinely interested in my too. oh my naivete}

i tend to not tell my friends?

why? well no offense to my friends, but a good handful of them tend to judge or ridicule. and not in a good way.

so i guess i decide it's not worth it to tell them, or, i'm scared that i'll be made fun of, and for some reason, now, more than ever, i care too much about what my friends think about me.

which is really ridiculous, if you think about it.

i shouldn't care what my friends think, and if they make fun of me for the kinds of guys i like, well, then they aren't good friends, right?

so i should just forget about them, and go ahead with what i feel is right, and forget about feeling stupid or silly, right?

easier said than done...

i love...

hugs!

no really, i do.

and i realized that the people i hang out with on a regular basis don't hug.

at least, not often.

some have their reasons: they have very large personal bubbles. and that's okay.

i won't intrude on that bubble. but if they wanted to let loose a bit, i'd be happy to give them a hug

(and i've been told i give pretty good hugs)

i feel like as people get more comfortable with one another, there's less of a need to hug.

like, they already know that they like each other, and that they're friends, so why show it?

the people i spent the weekend with ended up becoming comfortable with each other, so by the end of the weekend, when we all parted ways, we hugged. awesome.

there is something so personal in hugging. the closeness. the ability to smell the other person (i'm BIG on how people smell. memory association thing, or whatever)

i remember when i came to visit last summer, people i've been friends with forever hugged me when they first saw me (granted, it had been about 6 months since i'd last seen them all) and it was SO GREAT.

and not to call him out or anything, but that same weekend, i met nate and after only spending a couple hours together, when we were reunited after dinner (which we were both at), he was the only one to come over and give me a big hug. such a great feeling.

i miss that. miss hugs from people i love.

so if you see me in the next couple days, give me a hug

it'll make my day, and probably yours too

hugs = happiness :)

very square peg, very round hole

it's funny how life changes so quickly. how the things you once wanted so badly aren't as important anymore. perhaps that's growing up. perhaps that's moving on. perhaps it's forgetting. whatever it is, it's there. i looked at pictures last night, of when i was the most happy, when i was content with my life and didn't want anything to change. and although i know those feelings will stay with me forever, that you'll always have a little piece of my heart, for some reason i didn't feel sad or mad, or regret anything or feel anything that i've felt the last 9 months. i was okay. legitimately okay. i didn't want to cry. but instead i smiled at the memories and looked forward to the new memories i was creating with people here. those moments, those memories will always affect how i act and react. they changed me, for the better. i've learned and grown and i can never forget them, even if you can. i wonder though, if i had stayed, if those feelings would still be as strong as they were. if they couldn't be diminshed. i wonder if being away has caused me to forget what i felt, forget what i wanted. if because we've been apart for so long that missing you and that time has just become second nature, become such a part of my day to day being that i'm used to it now. it's not a new feeling anymore, but rather an old one, like an old friend.

"after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade." -the holiday


who knows, i may continue to keep my guard up, protect my heart from being hurt again, but at least i know that i'm okay. that although a small fragment of my heart is yours forever, the rest of it is still mine to give away to someone that will really protect it and cherish it for what it's worth.
and for what it's worth, i don't regret a thing.

to write love on her arms

this past weekend a young 18 year old girl went hiking and never returned home.

her body was found at the bottom of a mountain face monday afternoon.

she was the cousin and niece and friend of one of my favorite families.

my heart goes out to them and her family in their time of grief.

no one is sure what happened, and we may never know, but her facebook in her last few days cited a breakup with her boyfriend and how she still loved him.

i wonder if i had been with someone that young during her depression, what i could have said to her to make things look better than they were.

do i really have enough experience at a mere 22 to say anything profound?

she loved her boyfriend so much and i can't say that i've been in a relationship like that and then lost it, but i have experienced something maybe more difficult than that, that of unrequited love.

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

{quote from The Holiday}

it hurts to lose someone you love.

he could even be the love of your life.

but how do you go on when you feel like your life has lost all meaning, when there's nothing worth living for anymore?

i would say to this girl, "continue loving him, because loving him, despite the fact that he might not return that love right now, gives you a reason to wake up in the morning, to live your life to the fullest. if you truly love someone you would do anything for them. you know that they would want you to be happy and so you try everything you can to be just that. happy. and even though things may not ever be the same, eventually you can overcome it, you will heal, if not completely, then at least mostly. slowly the pain fades and you remember why you love life. you have friends and family around you that love you unconditionally and that's something to smile about. you will also eventually find someone who will love you for eternity and that's the greatest gift to ever be given. don't lose hope. don't lose sight of what truly matters. give your heart to God. He will heal you. have faith. be believing. everything will work out in the end."

Being in love

Love. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately. People have different definitions for it. (Thanks Meg, for prompting this post!) Why are people so scared of being in love? Of loving someone just because? I have reasons for loving the people I do, all of them different from each other, each love different for every person. Meg said it so well in her blog post:

it's the moment when my heart fills to its little brim with gratitude for the second that just passed by. It could be just their smile, or the sound of their voice, years of friendship, or a moment of laughter on the sidewalk- but something inside me comes alive and suddenly I have meaning, I have purpose. It is in those moments when life is worth living to be able to love someone else.

Why can't people just say what they feel and not feel awkward or ashamed, or scared? Why do we have to hold back saying what we want just because you know someone will react badly to it? Isn't it better to say everything than nothing at all?

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

neil = ♥

i'm in love. literally. it's his smile. brianna and i decided tonight during last week's results show. i already knew i was a sucker for smiles. (*cough*snowboarderwho'ssmilewastheonlythingisawforthefirst3weeksofclass*cough*) but oh my gosh. he has the best smile i have ever seen in my entire life. it like, brightens up his entire face and just makes you MELT.
oh man. *sigh* can i meet him??





[sorry for this gush, but i just had to say it somewhere....my family is already tired of my obsession. wonder why? haha]