the path of life

i know i've mentioned this before, but i have to reiterate: hindsight is such a beautiful thing. i'm grateful that i am able to look back on past experiences and realize that i am really so blessed and that God really does have a hand in everything that goes on in life.

maybe it was last night's institute class that really opened my eyes. we started out the class with a "test". we were told we had 45 seconds once our papers were turned to find every number on the page, numerically, one by one (using our index fingers to point them out) 1-50 before time ran out. the first time around, i got to 25. then the teacher told us to put an imaginary line down the center of the page, vertically and to go left from right. we did it again, 45 seconds. i improved, and was able to find 35. the third time, he told us to not only go left from right but also to go top to bottom, so there were 4 quadrants. by then, i could start to see this pattern, so i nodded my head as he explained this. we went again. 45 this time. the 4th time the told us that the numbers get bigger as you go further out. so not only were you going left to right, and top to bottom, you were also going towards the edges of the page. this time around i got through all 50 and with time to spare.
he then asked us, how does this apply to our life, to what we've been learning?
i answered and said, it's like the plan of salvation. there are guidelines, a path, instructions to get to the end, but it's our choice whether we want to follow them or not.
God has given us certain guidelines, and will give us more and more clues, asking for them or not, but it is still up to us to decide to follow them: that's our agency.

sometimes it's so hard to understand that there really is a plan for each and every one of us. for some reason, we always forget that. we get too wrapped up in what we want, and why we can't have that to remember that sometimes things aren't going to work out, and in the long run, that's a good thing.

i was feeling sad about not being in a relationship (the ups and downs of a typical girl) and about missing out on being part of a really great family, and my mom reminded me that God will put a stop to anything that isn't good for you.
i knew that, of course, but had forgotten it in the last little while. thinking back during my walk around city creek today, i remembered how badly i wanted to move back to Utah, and how every time i tried, something wouldn't work out, so i couldn't move. i stayed in California and learned to love being there. as time passed, i found a good time to move back and started taking the steps to make that happen, reminding myself that if it wasn't the right decision, that God would stop me from leaving. He didn't, and I moved back.
with this relationship, He allowed me to go forward with it, because at the time, it was good for me, i had lessons i needed to learn. and then it ended, quickly. and i struggled with it, thinking that in my heart it had felt right, and why was it ending when i was so happy? and then my mother's words, and my own, spoken years ago, reverberated in my mind, that it wasn't good enough so God put a stop to it. sure, it's still going to hurt, and it's not going to be any easy because of the natural (wo)man that's inside me, but at least now i have that perspective, and i can understand more that there is someone and something better for me out there. and who knows, maybe it still is this guy. but maybe the timing isn't right, and that the situation needs to be different in order for it to work out. but i'm not going to stress about it, or be sad and miserable because it's all in God's hands now. He has the plan, He's guiding my ship and I need to trust Him.

faith and humor

there are times in my life, when i get tired of being complacent, when i become bored, and i feel like, though i'm not doing anything in the wrong, that i'm falling off the right path, and i'm not sure how to get back on. or, that i'm not quite getting through or past a particular hurdle enough to progress to the next spot (imagine a board game, like Candyland, where all you're getting are the "you did _____, move back ___ spaces"). and then something happens, a trial, for example, and it really tests my faith, but as much as it tries to shake me, and remove me from my foundation, i can't be moved, because i've placed myself in the hands of the Lord, because i've built myself upon the rock. but i still can't figure out why i needed to go through a particular trial, or why i'm struggling so bad. until i look back on that situation (whether it's because i'm repeating history, and going through a similar situation again, or i'm just reminiscing) and i realize what it meant to my growth, and why i needed that particular struggle.
there are other times that i hit a rut in the road. i'm not going back, and i'm not moving forward. so instead, i make a decision, to try a different direction in order to see if that makes a difference. sometimes it doesn't. sometimes it does. sometimes, i get a clearer mind, a fresher mind. sometimes, it hits me like a ton of bricks....BAM. a change in the scenery. some sort of enlightenment. a conversation, a new idea, a phone call, a new offer, or a new opportunity. and it hits me so suddenly, i don't even expect it. it takes me by surprise. so much so that i just sit there and laugh thinking, 'this is it? this is what i was waiting for?'
and then i realize, God sure does have a sense of humor. i picture Him sitting up there, watching my life, past, present, future, seeing me struggle, seeing me exhaust all of my resources in order to figure out MY timeline, instead of HIS, and he laughs to Himself, thinking "oh my child, if only you knew what I had in store for you. I know what you need, when you need it. you are never alone."

{via}

He sees my life in a way that I cannot and will not. He knows what I need to experience in order to build me up. and though it's taken me 24 years, i think i'm finally starting to understand that. as much as i want certain things, and think i need certain things, He always knows better.

And though I've never really known how a relationship between a father and daughter should be, I can imagine that the relationship between my Lord and I would be similar to the picture above, because I can feel Him when I need Him most, and I know in those moments that He is there for me, always, guiding me, advising me, allowing me to make mistakes, but picking me back up when I fall, and never ever showing disappointment in me, but always being proud of the progression I've made, and continue to make. I sure can't wait to sit at His feet, and listen to His comforting words, and have His arms wrapped around me, hearing that I have done a good job.

a confession

i'm slightly, definitely scared terrified of marriage.

yup.

i said it.

that isn't to say i'm a commitment phobe.

(although, that very well could be true also, i wouldn't know really though, since it's been 5 years since my last "real" relationship)

but really, think about it. marriage.

eternity.

how do you know that the one person you've chosen to spend the rest of, not only your LIFE, but all of eternity with, is actually right?

maybe i've become cynical in the last few years with the numbers of people i've seen get divorced (and at young ages too), but really, that's a HUGE decision.

although i'm terrified of being alone all of my life, i'm doubly terrified of making the wrong decision. 

i'm also terrified that i'll get *gasp* bored.

i tend to get bored, or distracted easily.

something new peaks my interest and i change directions.

(*aside: thank you verizon for your "new every two" program that allows me a new phone ever 13 months. or at least, USED to before the iPhone came out*)

whose to say that the guy i choose to marry won't be a victim of my ever changing personality and tastes?

i know, i know. people will have all sorts of things to say pertaining to this topic.

i've discussed it with many a girlfriend.

i'm welcome to your opinion, but i think until i come to that moment in my life, i'm completely (ok, MOSTLY) content with staying single. and, i'll just have to sit and mull over my distress regarding this topic. i probably won't change my mind until *SLAM* it hits me in the face.

i'll prolong making that decision until i absolutely have to.

and, seeing as i don't even have guys that are clamoring to DATE me, i think i'm in the clear for a time.

to write love on her arms

this past weekend a young 18 year old girl went hiking and never returned home.

her body was found at the bottom of a mountain face monday afternoon.

she was the cousin and niece and friend of one of my favorite families.

my heart goes out to them and her family in their time of grief.

no one is sure what happened, and we may never know, but her facebook in her last few days cited a breakup with her boyfriend and how she still loved him.

i wonder if i had been with someone that young during her depression, what i could have said to her to make things look better than they were.

do i really have enough experience at a mere 22 to say anything profound?

she loved her boyfriend so much and i can't say that i've been in a relationship like that and then lost it, but i have experienced something maybe more difficult than that, that of unrequited love.

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

{quote from The Holiday}

it hurts to lose someone you love.

he could even be the love of your life.

but how do you go on when you feel like your life has lost all meaning, when there's nothing worth living for anymore?

i would say to this girl, "continue loving him, because loving him, despite the fact that he might not return that love right now, gives you a reason to wake up in the morning, to live your life to the fullest. if you truly love someone you would do anything for them. you know that they would want you to be happy and so you try everything you can to be just that. happy. and even though things may not ever be the same, eventually you can overcome it, you will heal, if not completely, then at least mostly. slowly the pain fades and you remember why you love life. you have friends and family around you that love you unconditionally and that's something to smile about. you will also eventually find someone who will love you for eternity and that's the greatest gift to ever be given. don't lose hope. don't lose sight of what truly matters. give your heart to God. He will heal you. have faith. be believing. everything will work out in the end."