it's funny how life changes so quickly. how the things you once wanted so badly aren't as important anymore. perhaps that's growing up. perhaps that's moving on. perhaps it's forgetting. whatever it is, it's there. i looked at pictures last night, of when i was the most happy, when i was content with my life and didn't want anything to change. and although i know those feelings will stay with me forever, that you'll always have a little piece of my heart, for some reason i didn't feel sad or mad, or regret anything or feel anything that i've felt the last 9 months. i was okay. legitimately okay. i didn't want to cry. but instead i smiled at the memories and looked forward to the new memories i was creating with people here. those moments, those memories will always affect how i act and react. they changed me, for the better. i've learned and grown and i can never forget them, even if you can. i wonder though, if i had stayed, if those feelings would still be as strong as they were. if they couldn't be diminshed. i wonder if being away has caused me to forget what i felt, forget what i wanted. if because we've been apart for so long that missing you and that time has just become second nature, become such a part of my day to day being that i'm used to it now. it's not a new feeling anymore, but rather an old one, like an old friend.
"after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade." -the holiday
who knows, i may continue to keep my guard up, protect my heart from being hurt again, but at least i know that i'm okay. that although a small fragment of my heart is yours forever, the rest of it is still mine to give away to someone that will really protect it and cherish it for what it's worth.
and for what it's worth, i don't regret a thing.
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