i'm a pretty open person

most people know about my life.
most people know the things i've been through.
most people though, don't understand some of the feelings i've had. because i don't talk about that.
remember? i can't.

most people know how tough it was for me to move back to Utah last September. (if not, well, it was)
i knew that moving back meant bringing up memories that i didn't really want to relive. it meant risking running into people i didn't want to see (nor had the strength to see, despite my objections otherwise. i tend to live in denial)
{this also explains why i do not like going into the orem walmart}
and i have seen people i haven't wanted to see, BUT that one time was planned. and i was still shaken up about it. i wasn't quite ready to face it.
i wasn't afraid per se, but maybe i was afraid of the potential awkwardness that would ensue, afraid that seeing that person again would remind me of what i didn't have, of what i had lost, remind me of the feelings i had, and remind me of how sad i still am. (i already do that, why would i need the visual reminder??) i was afraid that it would remind me that i'm not quite over that part of my life (it's been 2 years, you'd think i would be by now, right?)

but seriously, any time i go out and do something , i'm paranoid that i'll run into certain people. thus far, i had been lucky. but seriously, i was always looking over my shoulder.
and then tonight.
rooftop concert series. i knew i would see people there i didn't want to. i just had that feeling, ya know? i knew enough about them to know that this particular show was their scene.
we ended up leaving early. we started walking toward the stairs.
i see her first. i automatically recognized her. i panicked. then looked behind her and saw him. i turned my head and walked faster forward.
i was shaking as we walked downstairs back to the car. i couldn't get past it. you think you're prepared for something like that, for the emotions that will come flooding into your system. but you're not. it figures that the last weekend that i'm in this town that i would see the one person i didn't want to. the one person that hurt me the most.
as much as i'll miss provo and my friends, i'm glad i won't have to worry about looking around for him anymore. i won't have to think about what i would say or what i would do if we ever came face to face again.
maybe by moving to salt lake, i'll finally be able to come to terms with everything that's happened the last 3 years. maybe i'll finally be able to let it go, so said the wise Holden Thomas Denyer, age 4.
needless to say, that was a close call.
needless to say, i sure am glad my hair is longer and i'm a little bit more unrecognizable than i used to be.
needless to say, i'm glad i didn't have to have him see me.
but then again, i wish he had, because then he could see what he missed out on.