Do you ever feel like you want something so much, but getting it is hurting too much? Do you feel like you need to give it up for a while so that it doesn't hurt as bad, but then you realize it just makes the hurt so much worse? Well, I experienced that, and for once in my life, I wish I had just stuck to the first situation...it was so much easier that way. Now I feel like things can't ever go back to how they used to be, when it was real and fun and happy. I feel like it's forced now. Like I'm trying too hard to make it what it used to be. But maybe that's because I feel like it's not as real anymore. Maybe I feel like although I've said I'm going to move on, I'm still holding on to hope. And that every doubt that comes into my head is pushed aside, into the "silly notions" side of my brain. Or that I give the benefit of the doubt, and say it's just my fears talking.
I wish school wasn't so hard right now. Or that I wasn't such a loser for procrastinating my paper for so long. So that I could enjoy this week, this weekend, and not feel so stressed out, and give this situation the attention it actually needs and deserves.
I promise I'm happier now than I was. I said yesterday that I can already see a difference. Although keeping things close to my chest is a bit harder than it used to be, but I suppose it's worth it if I'm happier, and truly happier, instead of this fake happiness that I kept on my face for those days.
Yes, I'm happier. Just more stressed out, wishing I could spend more time with you, but knowing I can't. That's what sucks the most.
