normally i feel like i have a pretty good grasp on, well, okay, nothing, actually. i never have a good grasp on anything. my life is all sorts of craziness.
but there are moments that are pretty drama free. i'm cool. calm. collected. and i let myself believe that i've got my shiz together. (i would swear, but my mother reads this blog. sorry mom!)
and then, i get all emotional. not in the crying one minute, laughing the next, PMS-ing sort of way. but in the way that i turn into what i really am--a girl. a girl that has no idea what's ahead of her, and no idea where she wants to be and who she wants to be with. i get inside my head, and no matter what i do, i just can't get out of there. (it's pretty easy to get lost in there. i'm honestly surprised some days that i'm even able to work, let alone LIVE and BREATHE).
i start over analyzing, hyperventilating, obsessing over things that are in no way in my control, whatsoever. and no matter how much i tell myself to STOP THINKING SO MUCH, i just can't. i'm almost tempted to cut off all access to all things technology based: phone, facebook, twitter, instagram...at least for a time, just so i can step back and realize i don't have to be in control of everything all the time. but then i start worrying about all the things i would miss if i cut myself off from the world, which is silly.
this week's episode of New Girl was 1) hilarious, per usual, but 2) insightful, as Nick and Jess discuss the similarities of haunted houses and relationships (i know! who would've thought that they'd have anything in common?!) this is how Nick puts it:
"You wanna know why I don't like haunted houses? Because they're just like relationships. You walk in, all confident, and then once you get in, it's not what you thought it was going to be and it's scary."
And it's kind of true. You think of all the awesome things that come from being in a relationship, you (if you're a girl, i don't know how guys are) get your hopes up, thinking everything will be wonderful, but then reality sets in, and sometimes it is as awesome as you thought it was going to be, for a time, but then it gets hard. and i know, that's how life is--it's hard. it's not supposed to be easy, you're supposed to work at it. but if you're like me, you think of those awesome possibilities, but then you also think about the not so awesome possibilities, even before anything happens, even before there's a chance of a relationship. and that's my downfall. i get way too ahead of myself.
and even trying to take a break from life takes a toll on you--you're still overthinking everything, and you're still in your head and a major mental case (i'm exhibit A. for anyone that watched me learn how to snowboard, you know how i get, haha) if only there was a master shut off switch to my over analyzing side to my brain (because ya know, i still have to have my brain tell my body what to do to SURVIVE).
what to do, what to do?
right now, the only thing i can think of to do is swear. a lot. out loud. and at random moments. but that wouldn't be very ladylike, or appropriate, would it.
*sigh* such is life.
I guess what Zoe Hart said on Hart of Dixie is true: "But even grown up, we're all 15 at heart" guess I'm never really gonna get over those feelings and emotions I had as a teenager, even at 25 years old.
{also, I'll post about my east coast trip...eventually. all of my iphone pics are on my computer now. and i still have a bunch to upload from my camera. it just didn't seem to be a priority of late}
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